Two weeks ago, in July while at his seaside home, Leo felt chest pain and was having difficulty breathing. He was taken to the Emergency Room. They could not find the cause of his distress and sent him away. He decided to return home to the city. The next day, he was admitted to Santa Maria Nuova Hospital in Firenze. They have aspirated fluid from his lungs and heart four times, 1 liter each time. The doctor’s are running tests.
We talk by phone every day and we send each other text messages throughout the day. I have been able to somewhat follow his progress.
Last week, I could hear from his voice, they had given him morphine for pain. We’ve been down this road before. At first he sounds groggy, then giddy and I think this time, he was given too much. Text messages became a series of letters which made no sense. Then, when texting became more difficult, we worked out a plan. He would call me, but I would not pick up the call. I would then use my calling card to return his call. I know his mind is clear and he understands me.
I have taken to sleeping with my phone and I never am without it during the day. When he needs to have contact, it must happen at that moment. He has also needed comfort during the long lonely nights. Often, he can’t sleep or he’s worrying. When his breath was so tight he could not speak, I told him stories about my day. I could hear his breathing slow done, as he relaxed. Sometimes, I wanted to say the Lord’s Prayer with him, but he hadn’t the strength to stay on the phone.
When Leo is at home with me, we always, without exception say the Lord’s Prayer together just before sleep. Several nights this week he was able to stay on the phone with me and I read the prayer in Italian and he silently said it. At Amen, I made sure his eyes were closed and he seemed more relaxed…I said, Amore, just turn off the phone when you can sleep. I know you can’t talk..good night and I love you. Moments later, the phone would click off.
For 24 hours, on Friday through Saturday, I had received no news. No phone calls, text messages, email. Nothing. I was worried he had died. I called Leo’s phone during non visiting hours and a woman answered. I hung up. Not a nice thing to do, but I could not add to whatever was happening in the hospital room. In Italy, they allow family members to attend the bedside only when death is imminent. I was scared and alone with my worries.
On Saturday, I attended Italian lessons at the Italian Cultural Institute (ICC), as usual. I find comfort just being there. During class I was distracted and teary. Michele, such a nice instructor from Rome, put his arm around me and told me to call him if I had news. Leo is well known and liked at the ICC.
A friend has asked how I can tolerate this. The truth is, I have no option. Firstly, I cannot be in Italy and this is a fact. I have no money to retire and be where I want to be...there, near my Italian family and close to Leo. Secondly, Leo has chosen to not disrupt his family and I need to respect his wishes. Thirdly, the love we have for each other means Leo and I do what we can for each other, knowing it's the best we can.
What Leo and I feel, transcends space. When I cannot sleep at night, I return to my memories of how he sleeps next to me, always holding my hand. He always knew and still knows when I’m having nightmares, a curse that has followed me since childhood. When he’s here, he comforts me, knowing that waking me won’t work. When he’s there, he sends me text messages, sending his thoughts to me while I sleep.
Leo and I relax when we’re with each other. The gift of relaxation is something I’ve rarely felt. I am always on guard, even when sleeping. Leo relaxes too. He, being a kind and caring person, is attentive in Italy to the neediness in his family.
I feel selfish in wanting Leo to fight for his life. Several times, I’ve wanted to tell him, go if you need to, if it’s too much to bear, stop fighting, but then the small quiet voice tells me, this is not for me to decide nor influence. This is between Leo and a higher power.
I thought I had a good relationship with Leo’s son. Two weeks ago, I asked him to write me updates, but they have been slow to arrive. Sometimes I feel an anger toward this man-child but then I recall conversations about him with Leo. The boy does not want to deal with losing his father. We all have our own private burdens we carry and this also is not for me to judge. But I have suffered not knowing. I need facts but I only have what Leo can give me, when he has the voice to tell me.
Yesterday I received a letter from another source. He tells me Leo has not been eating. Why has no one told me this. This is a death wish. The depression is taking over. And then shortly thereafter, the ambulance, with a doctor in attendance, moved Leo to a better hospital. I received an email from the son when this was happening. I believe, Leo asked him to send this.
Last night, I received a text from Leo. I responded bluntly: Do not leave me. I plead with you to start eating...Non lasciarmi! Ti prego, mangia.
Early today, another letter, but not from the son. Leo’s spirits have risen. He is eating. Leo has used his computer to communicate with his friends on FaceBook this morning:
It’s been a brutal period of time. The fight has been really serious this time. I don’t know when I can give you good news, but for now know that I am not letting go because I want to see you all again. Best wishes to you all and may God be with us.
(Leo Leone)
I immediately translated his message from Italian to English and forwarded to our American friend. Within minutes these responses came back:
Oh – my dear friend!!!! So heartfelt, so poignant….thank you for sharing! Hang in there; and in so doing, you’ll help him. (from SP)
Such wonderful strength! His words are very positive, so I know he’ll pull through! Probably because he wants to see you so much! Hang in there and thank you for sharing. (Debbie)
How are you surviving all of this? Obviously, this is all VERY difficult for you – and terribly frustrating being so far away from him. (MF)
And sent from Joanne:
La Nuova Diodati (LND)
Salmi 138
1«Salmo di Davide.» Io ti celebrerò con tutto il mio cuore, davanti agli dèi canterò le tue lodi.
2Adorerò rivolto al tuo santo tempio e celebrerò il tuo nome per la tua benignità e per la tua verità, perché tu hai esaltato la tua parola e il tuo nome al di sopra di ogni altra cosa.
3Nel giorno in cui ti ho invocato tu mi hai risposto ed hai accresciuto il vigore dell'anima mia.
4Tutti i re della terra ti celebreranno, o Eterno, quando udranno le parole della tua bocca,
5e canteranno le vie dell'Eterno, perché grande è la gloria dell'Eterno.
6Anche se l'Eterno è eccelso, egli ha riguardo degli umili, ma il superbo lo conosce da lontano.
7Anche se cammino in mezzo all'avversità tu mi conserverai in vita; tu stenderai la mano contro l'ira dei miei nemici e la tua destra mi salverà.
8L'Eterno compirà l'opera sua in me; o Eterno la tua benignità dura per sempre; non abbandonare le opere delle tue mani.
La Nuova Diodati (LND)
Copyright © 1991 by La Buona Novella s.c.r.l.
Psalm 138
Thanksgiving for the LORD'S Favor.
A Psalm of David.
1I will give You thanks with all my heart;
I will sing praises to You before the gods.
2I will bow down toward Your holy temple
And give thanks to Your name for Your loving kindness and Your truth;
For You have magnified Your word according to all Your name.
3On the day I called, You answered me;
You made me bold with strength in my soul.
4All the kings of the earth will give thanks to You, O LORD,
When they have heard the words of Your mouth.
5And they will sing of the ways of the LORD,
For great is the glory of the LORD.
6For though the LORD is exalted,
Yet He regards the lowly,
But the haughty He knows from afar.
7Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me;
You will stretch forth Your hand against the wrath of my nemies,
And Your right hand will save me.
8The LORD will accomplish what concerns me;
Your loving kindness, O LORD, is everlasting;
Do not forsake the works of Your hands.
~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*
Leo Leone, I believe in the power of true love, a gift which has been given to us.
Io ti amo per sempre
I took this grafitti picuture and sent it to Leo.
He colored in the backgound and sent it back to me.
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