I made an appointment to speak with a grief counselor but she is not available for two weeks. I have started what needs to be done. I have written to Leo and asked him to help me close up our life together here. Not to put an end to love, but to deal with the books, clothing and personal things he left here and the unsaid things between us…
Two years ago, he was here for one month. He had planned to return Italy for a well-publicized event he had organized with his students in a Medici museum. The week afterward the event, instead of flying home to me, our life was shattered when he was hospitalized and diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a cancer of the bone marrow/blood. Hidden tumors in his spine have complicated his recovery.
I also strongly believe Leo suffered a nervous breakdown in the aftermath of his quick physical decline. Around the same time, I started this blog to chronicle my love for my Italian family and for Leo.
Leo is now mostly house bound. I do not have access to detailed information on his condition. Leo writes what he can. One leg has now been weakened and he has limited feeling and functionality. He relies heavily on his moglie (wife) for all aspects of his life. He tells me she has dedicated her life to him, 24 hours a day and their relationship, broken since the 1980’s, has been repaired. He is fully dependent on her now.
He still has contact with his students and I've encouraged him to finish his unpublished books. He stays busy at his computer, when his mind is clear of anti-biotics, pain killers or depression.
I am content to know his home situation is now tolerable, although it's my opinion that he lives with a wife-nurse who thrives on his dependence. I know she is happily in charge of his daily activities. She is not a person who lovingly massages his tense neck muscles and tells him he is still handsome. I think he survives each day with gratitude and the loving messages and visits from students and old friends, with secret thoughts of sweet relaxed times he and I had together.
He tells me he needs to hide our love to save his family, that blending two families is not possible. He once consulted a priest, who told him he must maintain his promise to God, which he made 40 years ago with his wedding vows.
Love cannot be dimmed, even if it must be hidden. In the meantime, I need to prepare myself for a life without Leo next to me. My heart is breaking. Now that he has returned to his wife, I hope it will still be possible for Leo and I to remain best friends and maintain some contact. I no longer believe he will ever return here.
I found some quotes yesterday which I like:
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Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. (James Baldwin)
The Love within you is a reflection of your inner beauty. For love is the beauty of the soul. (St. Augustine)
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind. (William Shakespeare, Mid-Summer Night's Dream, 1595)
To find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness. (Robert Brault)
Shall we compare our hearts to a garden -
with beautiful blooms, straggling weeds,
swooping birds and sunshine, rain -
and most importantly, seeds.
~Grey Livingston
Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.(Emily Brontë)
True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen. (François, duc de La Rochefoucauld)
True love stories never have endings. (Richard Bach)
Once a man has won a woman's love, the love is his forever. He can only lose the woman. (Robert Brault)
Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart. (Kay Knudsen)
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| We had two hours together on this park bench, last week. |
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