What is Love?

I keep asking myself this question.  What is love?  I understand the love a mother has for her children.  This love should be just enough to guide without smothering the spark that makes us individual.  Encouragement with some guidance.  Acceptance but tempered with lessons of right and wrong. 

Leo has been feeling terrible back pain this week.  So bad, that he was unable to call me.  When he did call, I did what I always do:  talk directly.  He seems to love it.  I asked him, "Are you walking?"  No direct answer.  I asked if he had been doing the exercises the physical therapist had assigned him.  Excuses.  Finally I re-asked, saying "Tell me only yes or no!"  "Oh!" he said..."it's so American, this yes or no, black or white."  I tried again.  "Have you or have you not been walking?"  No.  And the exercises? "No, I was afraid to do them." But Leo, did your doctor say it was ok to do them? "Yes." 

Well,  I said:  "Tu sei un stupido!!"  And he laughed, sounding better by the minute.  Sounding, less tense.  I told him, I've noticed a pattern:  Chemo, sleepiness, terrible back pain a few weeks later.  Leo, I think your back muscles have been weakened by inactivity...

I am feeling a bit of anger this week as I try to understand these last 12 years.  It feels so un-natural to be separated.

I wrote Leo an email last night.  Leo, sweetheart, if your back muscles are not strong, your back does not have the support it needs.  It's like driving your car on tires which have no air in them.  Please make up a star chart, like we do here for children, when they have daily tasks. Do the task, get a star.  The chart shows visible progress and a little award follows.  I'm not a doctor, but your medico did tell you to walk and exercise...

Leo wrote back to me this morning.  So now I know the real truth.  He has not done his exercises for 4 months.  Nor has he been walking.  Excuses.  Weather, chemo, sleepiness. The excuses go on and on.

Leo has just written, that he has taken his walker and walked outside for one hour.  Meno male! Thank goodness.  I texted him "Bravo!"

If there is love in his house, why is he not walking, exercising and laughing?

And regarding love, this should include self-love too.  Some element is missing in Leo's house.

I am not a part of Leo's daily routine now.  It hurts me to not be a part of his day.  Our phone calls have become less and less frequent.  The text messages he says are too expensive. Again, excuses.  Excuses only serve to cover-over underlying issues.

I guess I'm feeling more... acceptance with his excuses.  Leo did not choose me to stay with me and he never will. I realize now he made his choice years ago and I was in the wrong to hope that love would win over culture.

Leo and I have studied the Italian immigrants who came to California in the Gold Rush days. Leo has written several books on the topic. The pioneers who left their homelands did so with great courage. Some came in couples.  Others came alone, saved money and sent for wives, girlfriends or family years later. Many brought a prized possession with them:  a book written by Dante, seeds, saplings or a few grape cuttings.

Some pioneers though, left their families and culture behind and never looked back. They cut their ties totally and disappeared into time.   Now I believe they did so because it was easier. It was final.  There was no discussion, pleading letters or follow-up knowledge of failure or success. It was a disappearance which could not be altered.

Culture is a force I never really thought about until I began to travel.  We're all surrounded by it and it binds us to our beliefs. I recall my history lessons and it seems the world has always been about the clash or blending of cultures. Romans loved the Etruscans and absorbed them into their culture around 500 BC.  In 1540, Catherine de Medici, daughter of Lorenzo, Duke of Urbino, married Henry II of France and later became his Queen.  Catherine brought her Italian cooks with her and French cuisine was born.

I met my friend Barbara in Italian class, where we were faithful students for two years.  She is of Japanese heritage and married to an Italian-American.  They have beautiful daughters, who themselves have choosen boyfriends of European cultures.  I admire this family for their ability to thrive.  They have pride in their heritage, yet they have wings to carry them into other cultures.